qooc

Message 101:

Date:     Thu May 25 09:36:34 2000 CDT
From:     Skeetre (#302)
To:       *qooc (#804)
Subject:  Southernisms

 > >A short lesson on Southernisms
 > >
 > >If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or
 > >moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that
 > >will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
 > >
 > >The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
 > >The South has 'mater samiches.
 > >
 > >The North has coffee houses,
 > >The South has Waffle Houses.
 > >
 > >The North has switchblade knives,
 > >The South has Lee Press on Nails.
 > >
 > >The North has double last names,
 > >The South has double first names.
 > >
 > >The North has Ted Kennedy,
 > >The South has Jesse Helms.
 > >
 > >The North has an ambulance,
 > >The South has an amalance.
 > >
 > >The North has the Mafia,
 > >The South has the Klan.
 > >
 > >The North has Indy car races,
 > >The South has stock car races.
 > >
 > >The North has Cream of Wheat,
 > >The South has grits.
 > >
 > >The North has green salads,
 > >The South has collard greens.
 > >
 > >The North has lobsters,
 > >The South has craw dads.
 > >
 > >The North has the rust belt,
 > >The South has the Bible Belt.
 > >
 > >If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
 > >four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
 > >shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.  This
 > >is what they live for.
 > >
 > >Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
 > >Don't buy food at this store.
 > >
 > >Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all
 > >ya'll's" is plural possessive.
 > >
 > >Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
 > >
 > >You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is
 > >short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying
 > >"No!"
 > >
 > >Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
 > >can't understand you either.
 > >
 > >The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
 > >Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol"
 > >boy.  Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this
 > >way. All of them are in denial about it.
 > >
 > >The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
 > >
 > >Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid legal defense here.
 > >
 > >If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out
 > >of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
 > >
 > >If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
 > >smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
 > >local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or
 > >not. You just have to go there.
 > >
 > >When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the
 > >road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and
 > >that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
 > >
 > >Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own
 > >shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them
 > >how to aim.
 > >
 > >In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
 > >lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
 > >
 > >If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
 > >accept them as Southerners.  After all, if the cat had kittens in
 > >the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
 > >Robin Boze
 > >